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He is a Dreamer.
He is a Melancholic.
He is a Fatalist.

He wears glasses.
He writes long posts.
He wishes for your happiness.

Black is his color.
Moon is his symbol.
Love is his essence.

He is Lezard, a mad lover.
He is Caius, a masked philanthropist.
He is Bren, a melancholic dreamer.

Show All Myca Ermita Angel Tolosa MJ Aguas Lana Relevo


November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
April 2010
May 2010



Insane Nerd
Angel Tolosa, my daughter, for choosing this blog for me.

Yeah, I guess the title would likely give an impression that this post would be boring. But what the heck. n_n

I made it a tradition to do this kind of reflection-analysis at the beginning of the every semester. I cannot help but be mindful of the subjects I enrolled in, especially if I find some to be very interesting, somewhat bland yet relevant, or not at all worthy of my attention. The way I see subjects affect the the overall mood I have for the entirety of the semester, so I guess this is something that needs a place in my little blog (for all you interested people. LOL).

So yeah, lets begin with...

Major Subjects

1. Social Psychology
Relevance to Course: *****
Personal Interest: *****
Personal Comprehension: *****
Comments:
I like this subject alot. Of all the subjects, I believe this is what I am most interested about. Studying an individual and its relation to his/her surroundings is something that I need alot, really, since for the past years I have considered myself a some sort of un-social (not anti-social) person. The subject includes lessons about cultural and social norms, conformity issues, and interactions and relationships, among others. I`m gonna enjoy the semester with this, really.

2. Developmental Psychology
Relevance to Course: *****
Personal Interest: *****
Personal Comprehension: *****
In a way, this is like History Psychology. This subject aims to study an individual`s behaviour based on his development since the day he was born, until the day he gets really old. Another cool subject for me here, since I have a number of notable personal experiences to analyze on, and I want to be prepared for my behavioral structure by the time I get into adulthood (working daddy n_n).

Those two were the only Major subjects I am able to enroll this semester. I could have enrolled on another one, if not for the annoying `maximum allowable subjects per sem` quota that took effect on my registration. Anyway, lets proceed to...

Minor Subjects:

1. Asian/Western Civilization
Relevance to Course: ***
Personal Interest: ***
Personal Comprehension: ****
When I first got hold of the syllabus last year, I wondered how this subject got into the BA Psychology Curriculum. Why in the world do we need to study about them old peeps of the ancient world? It was only this time that it made sense to me. We need to study how the minds of the ancient times worked, for it could give us a clue as to how we end up having this kind thinking in the modern times. Still, I believe this field can be left to those who will focus on psychology fields concerning ancient people and civilization...we obviously dont need them in offices (or so I think n_n)

2. Discipleship in the Christian Community
Relevance to Course: ****
Personal Interest: ****
Personal Comprehension: ****
This is an obligatory religion subject for all the students of DLSU-D, so everyone will have to take it one time or another. This is could have been similar to Social Psychology in some ways, only that this focuses on the individual`s spiritual development in relation to the community he belongs to. My views towards religion subjects varies depending on where I am (if I am still in UP, I`m likely to think this as a load subject), but since I`m in Lasalle, I guess taking this subject seriously would not be a bad idea at all.

3. Statistics
Relevance to Course: **/*** (depending on the field)
Personal Interest: ***
Personal Comprehension: **
Yeah, this semester`s Demon Subject. Due to the intellectual trauma I suffered from failing the College Algebra subject in UP, I lost my grip on dealing with numbers. While I see the relevance of this course in research and other possible career implications, I still find it difficult to deal with this subject`s practical solutions to population problems. If there`s one subject that I would give myself humongous amounts of time and effort to master, this would be it.

4. General Zoology
Relevance to Course: **/*** (depending on the field)
Personal Interest: ***
Personal Comprehension: ***
Another subject that I got skeptical about. I can understand the significance of studying biology in the field of clinical psychology, why this much? I mean, studying cells and their structure surely doesnt help in studying people`s behavior at first hand. For me, its one of the subjects that are better left to those who would be much interested on it (an elective subject), and not something that we are required to take.

5. Swimming
Relevance to Course: * (I am a little bitter here)
Personal Interest: * (Uggh!)
Personal Comprehension: * (This will change once I get myself motivated and fired enough!)
I dunno why of all PE subjects did they specifically choose swimming as one of the required PE subjects in our curriculum. I mean, if body training is what they want us to have, we could be better off with basketball, volleyball, soccer, anything, but swimming! Ok, this is just a personal opinion of mine. Surely, I want to learn swimming, but learning it in such a graded setup is bad idea for me. We only get to have swimming classes once a week, and since its the second semester, classes will be rushed. I`m planning to apply for a scholarship next semester, and I`m beginning to feel that this would bring me down. Well, no use complaining now...I guess I have to exert more effort for this subject too, same as Statistics.

Are you still reading this? Haha.
If you`ve come this far, then I guess I have to thank you for taking the time to read my ideas regarding subjects and education. Education matters; every bit of time we spend studying is another hammer-blow to strengthen our mind and every bit of idea is another page added to our personal book of knowledge. Likewise, we want to make sense of them all, relating it to our interests, our capabilities, and its relevance to the career we are aiming for. Its not enough that you know alot - what matters is knowing what you need and how much you can make use of them.

Thanks for reading. n_n

3 Comments Here


I made it a decision to start changing some aspects of my life today.

Since my high school graduation, I did not feel like I have improved significant levels as far as my intellectual capabilities are concerned. Yeah, I did improve, but not by much...and that`s definitely not what is expected of me.

Its only now that my current situation alarmed me.

First off, I felt a decline on my sense of self-discipline. I never bothered to get serious when it comes to time management and setting priorities. For most of the time, I confidently go my merry way around things, since they tend to be just easy tasks for me to do. This confidence, however, puts me in various sticky situations as well, especially on things where strict deadlines and `unexpected circumstances` are involved.

It went on for three years of my college life. Embarrassing it may be, but by the looks of it, I appeared to have never learned anything. The same academic lifestyle that defined the mediocrity in me.

I bet you know what I am talking about: cramming on deadlines, rushed jobs, unjust compromising of tasks, etc.

Secondly, the arrival of two people in my life has changed the way I see English as a language. For a long time, I never bothered to be more careful with the use of the language. It may have something to do with the environment I have...no one bothered to correct me for any mistakes, for whatever reasons they may have. Yes, even the professors dont mind my use of the language.

Since I dont get to know what mistakes I`m committing, I used to think that I`m doing everything fine. That was until I met this intelligent young woman who is kind enough to point out the errors I make. She has every right to do it, since she has a good grasp of the language, earning her a reputation of being an excellent writer...and who knows how good a speaker can she be. What`s more, she also has a friend who is just as good in the language, and just as kind and helpful.

I have to admit...for a moment back there, I felt like being shot by a photon particle beam fired from a laser gun in the hands of two little angels. Yes, these two angels are younger than me, and yet, they are far better than me in terms of grammar and literary skills.

Is my ego hurt? No, not really.

I am rational enough to understand and accept the situation. Instead of griping over my incompetence, I will have to focus these experiences into setting myself up to learn the language once again, perhaps from the basics, and on to bringing the lessons into the next level...all these with the goal of being a much more effective writer/speaker/communicator than before.

It is quite timely indeed.

For a long time, I look for ways and opportunities to improve myself, but I lose motivation everytime, eventually leading to stagnation.

I always believed that I am doing everything right, while in reality, it is quite the opposite.

In my case, my utter lack of self-discipline might have an effect on me on my professional career in the future. My lack of tact in the use of the language will likely put off mindful listeners, eventually barring effective communication.

I surely dont want to see things in such an end.

Its better to have learned your mistakes, than to assume a false confidence of having learned all things the right way.

What better time to realize and work on all of these than now, right?

It is quite timely indeed, that I met these two people at such a time when my mind needed to get a Level up.

Thanks for being around. I hope to learn a few more things from you. n_n

Its about time I transform...into a much disciplined, careful, and optimistic person...n_n

3 Comments Here


November 27, 2009.
Friday.
11:00am

The Dreaded Swimming Class.

For some weird reason (yeah, I have all the weirdest reasons) I found myself smiling as I walked nearer and nearer to the swimming area. I told myself last night...

``If you`re going to die tommorow, at least there`ll be no blood spurting out of you.``

Nope thats not it really.

``Think positive. Humans, while not naturally born swimmers, have the ability to learn how to swim. You`re human. And YOU WILL LEARN.``

And before I knew it, there I was. Dipped in the water. Standing on my feet. My body stiff. I could hardly breath.

We were taught how to `bubble` first, then how to hold one`s breath beneath the surface. Damn...the feeling of water being blasted off your nose is a bit painful for me. But I managed to learn those two, thankfully.

Then we were taught some floating exercises. I find the first few techniques manageable (barely though), but BACK FLOAT is as hard as hell, for me at least. I couldnt bring my body up at the surface, probably due to tension in my muscles and inability to breath properly, which was likely to be caused by fear of drowning.

Despite me feeling extremely embarrassed and idiotic, I fought the urge to get out of the pool and scream ``Sir! I`m going to drop the subject!``. I`m definitely not going to give up...not anytime soon, not anymore. I just concentrated on what I have learned, and gave myself some time to practive, even though I had to disconnect myself from the entire class.

God didnt let me go alone though. A friend of mine (who isnt really a registered member of the class, and only joined us for the heck fun of it) took some patience to help me learn. He already passed the subject, so he pretty much knew how the things will unfold. Quite an advantage in such a sticky situation, really, but even so, we just ended up laughing our asses off as I try so hard to swim in every weird fashion. Truly hilarious. And just having him around made alot of difference.

So yeah, some of the quotable quotes...

Friend: DUDE! Straighten your body! STRAIGHT!!!
Me: Damn it dude! IM NOT STRAIGHT! IM GAY!!!

Friend: Okay, to start this one off, you have to kick it hard. Itll push you and get you into motion.
Me: Okay! Here goes! *kicks*
Friend: UGGGH! MY BALLS!

Friend: You can do it, dude...relax...relax...reeeelaaaaxx...
Me: Haha, look, if you can only sound like a sweet girl`s voice, maybe I CAN relax. YOUR FRICKING VOICE SCARES ME!

-------------------------

So yeah, turns out, I somehow learned something. Just being able to learn how to dip myself in the water and hold my breath is a huge step for me (yeah, its something that I am even afraid of doing before) so I guess taking this subject is worth it.

The challenge however lies in attaining one important objective:

`Getting friendly with the water.`

If I develop enough confidence in water, then doing the floats and breaths wont be as hard. My muscles wont be stiff, and movement would be done with ease.

And for that purpose, I plan to...

1. take special classes (technically `sit-in` other classes)
2. rent a pool every weeknend (costly, but Im willing to compromise)
3. exercise more to improve flexibility

Its just a matter of time. I believe I will learn how to swim eventually. This time, I believe God didnt add swimming in my list of subjects to make me realize that some things are to be given up...they are there for me to accomplish, no matter how difficult they can get.

Level 1 Swimmer. Working towards Level 2! n_n

3 Comments Here


I had one of the weirdest nights (or rather...early mornings) of my life.

I found myself having alot of trouble sleeping, despite feeling really tired. I had my stuff taken care of for the day, and even got the chance to check on someone who has been out for a while, but for some incredibly weird reason, I cant get myself to sleep.

I cant take it anymore.
I dont want it anymore.
Anxiety neuroticism has finally take on its final and deadliest form...now able to rob me off from dream world.

It was then that I remembered what my friend from high school kept on telling me. Those were just 3 little words...

`Mind over Matter.`

I used to think that God made my mind have the same beat as my heart. I am usually rational and analytical, but even I couldnt tell if its my mind or my heart that do the thinking. Its as if my mind has developed feelings of its own, and my heart gained thoughts.

I couldnt make sense of those 3 words.

A lecture on Social Psychology somehow gave me a slap.

`Think Positive.`

Another set of words that I find myself hard to comprehend and relate with...no matter how simple it sounds. At least, until now.

It was then that I realized that I have been keeping myself within the darkness of my own loneliness for the whole time.

My situation is not actually bad. Well, I have my issues, but compare it with someone else`s misfortune and you`ll see Im still lucky. I have my family with me, bonded much stronger than ever before. We still have something to eat, I still get to attend classes, and I still even have the `luxury` of enjoying online experience.

I have kept myself from the world...despite having wonderful people around me. I have my 2 closest friends in college who never left my side...I have been given a place where I could freely express my thoughts and feelings without fear of being judged...I keep on meeting new people who adds more color to my then-dull life (or so I thought)...

God has been granting all my wishes since time immemorial. I just stayed too much out of light to even bother see them.

Mind over Matter.
Think Positive.

I know that the heart and mind You gave me was intended for a special purpose.
And its definitely not for me to use as a dark blanket to cover myself down into the loneliest of feelings.

You obviously want me to use it to be the person I really want to be.

A dreamer of hope.
A dreamer of courage.
A dreamer of love.

Its about time I bring an end to the sad dream I am staying at. Its far too long...and staying for more will only kill me.

Its about time for me to visualize the world as full of positives...full of things that are worth appreciating...full of things that are worth being happy about.

Is it possible to stay Melancholic when I decide to take the `positive` way? We`ll have to see. n_n


(weird post here. i know it sounds freakin random, but these are what my heart wants to say right now. haha.)

2 Comments Here


Wednesday. November 25, 2009. Dasmarinas Day. No Classes. Oxidation.

I`m still feeling lazy to study my acads. The two subjects that are giving me trouble (Statistics and Swimming) wont be bothering me anytime soon. Plus, tommorow will be the start of the preparations for the Mental Health Awareness Week, so there will be a chance for classes to be suspended.

So this morning, I decided to do some...`leisure reading`.

There`s this friend of mine who has been working on a fanfiction for Ouran High School Host Club (an anime). Since this girl seemed to have an incredibly good talent at writing (plus a good grasp of the English language) so made it a decision to read it, but after watching the anime first. I did, and the time has finally come...

I wont be spoiling anything about the story here (I`m going to do it somewhere else...lol). What I`m going to tell you is the very mind-wakening experience I had while reading it.

Nosebleed.

Yeah, I know you`re laughing.

Honestly, I`m really not much of a literature guy. I find books boring...full of words that are hard to read with my poor eyesight and often-elusive attention. I havent stayed much in literature to bother digging for words that are `alien` to me. I still prefer to see things visually (as in the TV or CGs), but giving myself a chance to read literature after a long time sure gave me quite a good feeling...despite seeing my nose bleed many times.

Inebriated.
Debonair.
Curtly.
Grimace.
Chaffeur.
Hollered.

Those were just a few. And I bet I havent even seen half of them yet (I have only read up until Chapter 9). While I do understand the context in which they were used, I cannot help but marvel at the mind who used them in such a way. Yeah, I might sound really dumb, but for me, this is something that is worth commending...and learning from.

Yes, by reading this fanfiction, I`m not only doing a favor for my writer-friend, I`m benefitting much from this experience too.

First, I get to enrich my vocabulary. I am surprised that even in on my level of education, I still lack some words in my word bank that could be useful for me in many ways. Learning more words also enables me to appreciate literature by its essence.

Secondly, reading a wonderfully-written work also kindled in me a fire of inspiration. I sure do know that writing is a fun experience, but bringing it to a whole new level (keeping in mind story plots, character development, and usage of cliffhangers and twists) would be challenging and more meaningful, not to mention memorable as well. I still have a long way to go though, but who know what I will be able to come up with.

Thirdly, its also a way for me to understand how the mind and the heart of the writer works. I`ve read somewhere that whatever a person does at heart reflects his/her personality, and also gives you a glimpse to his/her subconscious. With that kept in mind, reading literature can be equated to getting to know someone(in this case, the author) better. And its definitely an oppurtunity I am more than willing to take.

With those things said, I think having a few nosebleeds from time to time isnt a bad idea after all.

If nosebleed is equal to learning.
If nosebleed is equal to being inspired.
And if nosebleed is equal to understand a dear person to you better.

Then why not enjoy the feeling?

To the author: I don`t know if you`ll find the chance to read this (I sure hope you find), but yeah, I guess in a way, this is another post dedicated to you. Tsk. Lucky girl. LOL.

Good luck on your fanfic. I`m enjoying it! NOSEBLEED! n_n

(read the epic fanfic here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5091260/1/The_Shadow_Queen)

(PS. Im in an advertising company now, so I`m going to need a commission for advertising your fanfic here. Nothing is free nowadays, you know. n_n Kidding).

4 Comments Here


...or should I rather call this...Lost My TOUCH?

with that said, I hope you wouldnt expect me to talk about Aya Hirano`s hit song of the same title.

The past 2 days are incredibly bizarre days. A crazy mix of bland, exciting, disappointing, happy and scary events have happened...and yet, I felt that I havent done anything significant at all.

So yeah...story time!

1. Last Dance Syndrome. Nope. I didnt dance. I was playing DanceDance Revolution...on PSP...and had myself stuck in it for humongous loads of time. My original plan was to just play it for my eye-hand coordination training...but the freakin game got stucked in my head and got me `synchroed` to it the whole time. +10 points to concentration, +20 points to absent-minded-ness.

2. Statistics. I cant believe this subject is bothering me so much. I remember in preschool when I won a math contest and got a medal for my school. I was pretty confident that math will be my forte all my life. But now, I`m not sure where Im going. I mean, yeah, I do review, but math isnt much of a good friend to me anymore. Oh well...all the more reason to study harder!

3. Swimming. D`oh! Im finally taking it. The subject I am terrified the most. I`ve had some bad experiences in swimming pools (always bullied by my cousins) and that developed in me a fear of drowning. I know its embarrassing, but I still have it. And the idea that the whole `learn-how-to-swim` subject is graded makes me more anxious too. Plus, the equipments cost a bit much as well. I sure hope whatever happens to me in this subject wont affect my GWA...

4. Monday Lucky Strike. I didnt know I know where Bhutan is on the World Map! And finding it net me +5 points for the next exam in our Asian History Subject. Ive found new friends too in my statistics class, so I guess it wouldnt be too hard for me to deal with the subject, at least inside the classroom. These stuff sure increases my motivation alot! Bring it on!

5. Developing bonds. Its more than a week since I started writing on this blog, and I have to admit I have never been this inspired to write and update a blog, unlike before. Perhaps because I found 2 really cool people that actually take the time to read my talky posts and leave http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=1123869254627174695some sweet comments. I dont care if only the two of you are my only readers...its more than enough for me, really to have you around visiting often. I guess reading and commenting on each other`s blogs are ways for us to deepen our friendship. Let`s continue doing this, ne?

Oh yeah, somebody missed a count on her blog yesterday.

6. Inspiration. Nuff said, right? I mean, I already told her...so I guess thats all that matters. And besides, she`s doing fine, so I guess there`s not much to be worried about. She really is a strong woman after all. n_n

These 6 things temporarily sent me into another dimension, only to bring me back with a more focused mind and recharged energy to face tommorow. Overthinking of things really kicks me so hard I often get absent-minded.

Ive lost my music temporarily, and now, its back again. Rock and roll we go! n_n

3 Comments Here


I was daydreaming the whole day again. I felt like time was frozen...I cant think of anything better to do, I`ve got no one to talk with, and I feel lazy to move around.

So yeah, I spent the whole afternoon daydreaming (well, actually, I was waiting for Ouran vids to buff along with it)...and my preoccupation then was...

``Who am I to people?``

I was thinking why I exist...and for whom.
I was thinking if there are people who feel happy when I am around...and if there people who feel otherwise...
I was thinking if there is a person who wished I was someone else in his/her life...or just thought of me as an insignificant trash data that needs to be forgotten...

It probably is difficult to find the answers. Even though I know myself better than anyone else, I still cannot disregard the fat thatthere is a fraction of my existence that can only be unveiled when I am associated with other people...

As a member of my family, I am expected to be the `third-in-command`. My parents have great expectations for me, from household chores to my education. My sister...well...I am supposed to be a brother to her, but I myself am not sure if Im doing the job right...

I wonder what these people really think of me?

Back when I was in elementary, up until I finished high school, people call me by different names...`nerd`, `Digimon emperor`, `the corny guy`, `sir`, `mr. serious`, `the crazy lover`, `Eagle scout`. These are all I could remember...there`s probably more...

I`m responsible for all of these. What I show people...are what they call me.

I wonder if some of them were erased with time? I wonder if the same people still look at me the same way?

And what about the new people that I meet? Classmates, acquiantances, chatmates, friends...I wonder how they perceive me as a person?

I could only show what I could show.
I have to admit that I sometimes do not show the real me...I have my own anxieties...my own fears of rejection...
And whether I let them see the whole me or not, there is bound to be a part of my existence that lives with all the people around me.

Existence, huh?

Its a nice word when you think you have been an inspiration...if you there is something in you that made someone else`s life different, in a positive way...if you live for a particular purpose that will make this world a little better...no matter how small the change would be.

It becomes a sad word when you are forgotten...when you are rejected...when you are despised and hated...

Now you might wonder...

What good will thinking of all these things would do to me?

Tell you what, I have but a simple dream...

I want to be a memory.

I live this life not only for myself but for other people as well.
I want to be a person who is capable of making the people around me happy.
I want my existence to be meaningful...for me and for the people that I will spend my life with.

...for only in those people can I only find the answers...

so yeah...

Who am I to you?

4 Comments Here


We did it again.
Exchange of curses.

We did it again.
Silent treatment for 2 days.

We did it again.
And things arent getting any better.

I have a sister. She`s 15 years old (turning 16 this December 2).
She`s smart, pretty, popular...
...and yet, she`s obnoxious, egotistical, and immature.

I`m not the one to talk, really. I have my own misgivings as well.
I did not become a brother like I was expected to be.

Last Wednesday, we had another quarrel. Even though we used to have these quite often, this is probably one of the most pressing...this is one of the few instances that I chose to stand for what I believe is right, rather than going for her whims.

Her laptop`s internet connection malfunctioned. She whined annoyingly as usual, as if her whining would fix anything. Since I am the only one capable of fixing things at home, she asked...or rather...she ``nagged`` me to help her.

I could have just helped her out. Its all but nothing to me. What I am very much annoyed about is her way of asking help. She asked for it as if I am to be blamed for the broken internet connection. Its all in her attitude, really, and I always find it hard to help her whenever she shows that king of arrogance.

I was busy working on alot of stuff during those times...ok, not exactly school-related, but something I am really putting myself in. My laptop is so broken it hardly ever keeps up with much work I can at that moment. I may sound rude, but help fixing an arrogant little lady`s laptop is too much of a chore for me. And I am supposed to be concentrating.

``Hoy, pagamit muna niyang laptop at magpe-facebook ako.``

``No.``

Why did I decline?
Firstly, her manner of asking for it is rude enough to be declined.
Secondly, the dangers of letting a careless user lay hands on my crappy laptop will cause me trouble.
Thirdly, I own the laptop. I have every right to decline.
Fourthly, I am her brother. I need to be respected.

Thats right. I let my pride take over. I wanted her to understand that there are things that must be accepted, especially if the other side wont just give in, and for a good reason. I wanted her to learn that not all things can be acquired by putting up an intimidating face, and using high-pitched voice to dictate whatever she wants.

Probably my fault comes from me not telling her all about these, but even if thats the case, I doubt she will ever give it a thought. She`s used to being pampered all the time...getting what she wanted...using people for whatever she needs.

But at the same time, I feel responsible...If I only did my best to be a better brother for her, none of these would ever happened. We wont be exchanging that many curses, we wont be fighting over petty things. And maybe, just maybe, she might have learned how to respect me more.

While I stayed for too long in that dark loneliness, she grew up really fast.
Things cannot be undone now. I have lost my chance when I had the opportunity. And now that her personality has finally taken shape, its time for me to accept her as who she really is.

I am sorry, sister...for not being brother for you...

I hope that...someday...you`ll find it in your heart to forgive me.

2 Comments Here


Before anything else, I`d like to present you this badass book that serves as my `intellectual pasttime` whenever things get boring at school.

Personality Plus is a psychology-related book authored by Florence Littauer. This book aims to categorize different personality traits according to 4 different types: melancholic, phlegmatic, sanguine, and choleric.

As one who is an undergrad psychology student, and who is very much interested in personality development, I find this book a very informative read. Not only does it help me understand myself, it also opens up for oppurtunities to have a better understanding of other people`s personalities.

This is my first time to feature a book in any of my blogs, and for that reason, I`d like to dedicate at least 2-3 blog posts for this book. To start things off, I`m going to provide an account of my personal analysis regarding the temperament type I belong to: the Perfect Melancholy.

Oh how the world needs perfect melancholy!

The depth to see into the heart and soul of life.
The artistic nature to appreciate the beauty of the world.
The talent to create a masterpiece where nothing existed before.
The ability to analyze and arrive at a proper solution.
The eye for detail, while others do shoddy work.
The aim to finish what they start.
The pledge, `If its worth doing, its worth doing right.`
The desire to do all things decently and in order.

The Perfect Melancholy temperament is described as the mental-type among the 4 personality types. They often engage in deep analytical thinking, and they are known for having a serious outlook on things. Their level of thought not only exist on an intellectual level; when it comes to issues of the heart, they are the most preoccupied too. They can be art-lovers, perfectionists, and, at most times, even introverts.

For the purpose of post, I am going to provide you with my own personal reflection-analysis over each distinctive traits of the perfect melancholy temperament and find out how perfect melancholy I really am.

1. Deep, thoughtful, and analytical
I tend to call myself a neurotic for most times. I am always preoccupied with the most pressing concerns in my life, but its not just ordinary preoccupation: I think, I analyze, I rationalize. And I do this over and over again until the actual results or events that I am looking forward to are laid upon my very eyes. These particular traits are probably what makes me a Perfect Melancholy the most. Due to these `neurotic episodes`, Ive developed a deeper understanding of things, but at the same time, also developed in me an anxious and oftenly idealistic attitude.

2. Serious and Purposeful
During my HS days, I am notorious for being Mr. Serious, going by my code: `I do things, seriously.` I guess that is what earned me my position as Class President in First Year, and eventually Student Council President in Fourth Year. Responsibility is always my number 1 priority, and I always exert my 101% percent in doing what I am supposed to do.

3. Genius-Intellect
Ok, this is where I get minus points. Sure, I am not dumb, but I am never the Uber-Intellectual type. I have decent memorization and understanding skills, but I have a weakness in mathematics. I am analytical, but I find maths impractical to analyze and make use of. My `genius` probably lies within my rich imagination and interest to study people by their personalities (thus, my course being psychology).

4. Talented and Creative
Creative, yes, but talent may be another issue for me. With my vast imagination, I could think of virtually everything inside my mind, but putting the thoughts either into words or into lines is a bit difficult for me. I only have subpar capabilities in the physical arts, and my mastery over the universal language may be insufficient for any outstanding works to be created. As for the other talents, I could do some few dance moves, and also be able to sing in-tune, despite having a not-so-singer kind of voice.

5. Detail and Data Conscious
Since I have a tendency to think alot about things, having some clear data along with me help alleviate any anxieties and worries I could feel. I am a curious individual by nature, sometimes becoming overly concerned over missing puzzle pieces. As a student, I find it really helpful to have lots of lists and graphs around, since it is easier for me to think of things that are visually mapped and arranged accordingly.

6. Orderly and Organized
Embarrassing it may be, but this is not exactly me. `I dont have a place to have myself/my stuff organized` is what I always reason out whenever my mom tells me about my messy computer table and study desk. I deem it useless to become orderly when everything else cannot be fixed...an idea that has grown to me due to the kind of home we had. But for anything else, I could say I am orderly enough: time schedules, assignment and project folders, programs for the day, even the `data` I use for playing video games are also in proper order.

7. Perfectionist-High Standards
I prefer to be called Idealist rather than Perfectionist. Since I am serious in all I do, and I am patient in whatever I am waiting for, I somehow developed an expectation that the world would give me what I THINK I deserve. I am not perfect in many aspects of my personality (particularly in socialization and even with my appearance), but I do try to be the best (and true) person that I am. I have to admit that I can be very picky at most times, but thats only because I could justify what i choose and be ready to be committed and responsible for it.

8. Deep Concern and Compassion
Perfect melancholy is probably the most emotional among the 4 temperaments, and this lies with their deep concern and compassion towards the people around them. Mix this emotional side with their way of thinking, and you get a person who will think about other`s problems as if they were his own. I find myself exactly in this kind of trait, and I have more than one instances where I could say that concern for others has brought me the most memorable experiences of my life. Love and Care towards the people that I cherish are always on the top of my `thoughts list.`

So there you have it. This sums up my reflection-analysis regarding what I learned about myself from the book. I may have aquired most of the distinctive traits of the Perfect Melancholy temperament, but that does not limit me to that personality type only.

I could be a leader type like the Powerful Choleric.
I could be an energetic type like the Popular Sanguine.
I could be a laid-back type like the Peaceful Phlegmatic.

If you want to know more about the these personality types, go check out the book! Its a nice read, especially if you`re looking for ways to understand yourself and others better.

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I felt as if the world has been created again, when I woke up this morning.

Today is `officially` my first day of classes.

I still have some issues regarding my enrollment (with me having 1 subject short than my desired list of subjects), but I didnt give it much care. I wouldnt want to spoil the Pancit Shanghai breakfast by anxiously thinking about it, and instead, concentrated on what will happen on my two subjects for the day.

It could have been just a normal day for me...the same things that will happen to me probably everyday, but I did received something that warmed my morning up...real good.

`Good Morning. Stay Happy.`

Yes, it may sound like an ordinary good morning message, but for me this is special. Its been years since I ever receive a good morning message from anyone whenever I go to school. Plus, this is from a person who is really worth getting inspiration from...a person who forever changed my life...

Backride tricycle trips ruined my hair as usual, so I didnt bother fixing it up before I leave (Ive combed it up, of course).
I find the jeepney rides boring as usual again. Thankfully Ive got some music plugged into my ears (and cute Lasallianas on both sides. *dies*) so the whole trip didnt go so bad.
My clumsiness and mild stupidity reawakened as well. I entered the wrong room for my first subject, and ended up being laugh at by the professor. For some reason, I didnt feel bad about it. I just smiled, and I now know how that works for me. Wonderful.

Asian/Western History professor has a very fast mouth. Its difficult to keep up, really, especially if you still feel sleepy. But she`s good, nonetheless, and not as boring as my psychology teacher from way back (who has a slow and cold voice). Statistics professor was the same professor who laughed at me on the first period. He seemed to be a cool old guy, but Ive got something against them...they tend to speak very softly, and its bad news for me since I sit at the last row, plus, its the scary statistics subject where there are at least 4 people who fail in every class.

My classes are only up until 10am. I used the remaining time to fix my enrollment papers, although my efforts turned to waste. After that, I went straight home.

Quite uneventful, I should say, but this this what wednesday (and monday) looks like for me. But I couldnt believe it didnt feel as bad as it was before. This time`s alot different. Im alone, same as always, but I did not feel any loneliness. The classes are very early, and yet I feel very enthusiastic in going to school.

The school season has finally begun. More things will definitely come...lengthy lectures, surprise quizzes, group projects, term papers...but I am more than happy to deal with them all this time, more than ever.

...and its all thanks to the message which made the beginning a very refreshing start.

Thank you. You stay happy too, k? n_n

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warning: the following blog post will sound a little ironic for the blog theme. please turn off your emo sensors. yoroshiku.

Pretty
Pretty Pretty
Pretty Pretty Pretty

My day was actually pretty bad. For the second time, I had to restart the enrollment process just to add the effin Retorika: Masining na Pagbasa at Pagsulat pain in the butt of a subject. They wouldnt let me add the subject cuz doing so will excede the number of units I am only allowed to enroll to.

But I dont want to talk about that, really.

What I want to share and celebrate about is the abundance of wonderful people I get to meet today.

First off, Ive got my cousin who accompanied me. Sweet person with attitude. She joined me with my litany of `buraot` lines as we make `parinig` to the freakin admin people. Its so funny it hurts. Making fun of the ugliest of things isnt as bad as I think. After all, they deserve it. n_n (devils lauging here)

Secondly, I met with my old classmates from HS. Brought back some memories. We went for some cappuccino frappes in the nearby cafe (rundown cafe, located in a rundown eskinita, run by rundown people). We shared lots and lots of stories, from failed math exams to annoying exes (of course Im not one to share for the second topic). Just having to see them again after a very long time makes it feel as if HS was just yesterday. They did change, alot, but the laughs, the jokes, the faces were still the same. Pretty pretty people.

Thirdly, my professor in my Developmental Psychology OWNS. He`s loaded with huge amount of humor, able to wake us all up for the dead hour of the afternoon. He looks so darn gay, to be honest, but he`s manly enough to tell us he`s the hearthrob of his class before (which included only 2 guys, including him, WTF). Just looking at him makes me feel the class wouldnt be boring at all. After all, HE is the Chairman of the Behavioral Science Deparment of the College of Liberal Arts. Prof Jovito Santos, you`re the man! n_n

Lastly, the prettiest of them all: VANILLA ICE CREAM. Its the best thing in the entire ministop menu (LOL) and is the one that makes me happy despite the tiring, dragging, and annoying turn of events. To share it with friends is even more fun (though I had to treat them for it).

Moral Lesson for the day: You smile. You smile at those freaking annoyances of the day. You smile to people, and they will smile back at you. You smile, and eventually positive things will happen.

Smile is indeed the prettiest thing in the world.

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...why did they have to send me to hell just to do it?

I have the money, if thats what they need.
I have the patience to walk thousands of steps between JFH and the Admin building.
I have people (rare occurence) with me to talk to as I wait for the whole day just to fix a few sheets of paid paper.

But why let me experience that much trouble???

My enrollment adventure started last week`s thursday (Oct. 12). Being a lost irregular sheep, I am expected to do things my own way, among other things. My batchmates already have their papers settled, while I still need to plunge down into the chaotic manual enrollment to get myself signed in for this sem.

The day ended with a disappointing `come again on saturday`, only because my subjects were mostly for freshmen and sophomores...and this spelled incredibly bad news, because Saturday is Hell day.

Saturday came. I arrived early (7am) but I had to wait for the processing to start at 8am. Im one of the first to get in line, but for some fantastic bad luck, I had to wait for the damned registration form for good 4 hours (almost 5 actually). Screw the crappy Lasalle enrollment encoding systems!

That`s not all. Apparently, one of my applied subjects got closed (no more slots available) and that subject happened to be Major. Its an incredibly big deal, since losing a valuable Major subject this sem would affect my entire stay at Lasalle.

So I had to repeat almost the entire process: fall in line for the subject database, run to JFH for paper-signing, run back to admin building and fall in line (again) for the validation of added subjects, then fall in line (AGAIN) to get the final registration form.

The whole process took me a the whole saturday and the whole today (I didnt attend the classes today just for the whole thing). And you know what, even after all that has happened, I still havent got my registration form. Which means, since i have to fall in line (A-G-A-I-N) tommorow to get it, chances are, I wont be able to attend classes for tommorow too.

Really, if I am in UP and finding myself in that situation, I am likely to call for a rally.
Really, the people around me are just as pissed. Annoyed faces, thick-faced, singit people. I could hear them all. But they were too afraid to do anything.
And REALLY, why let us experience this kind of difficulty of enrolling while we are more than obliged to pay them and experience their `Lasallian Pride.`

I hope I wont experience the same freaking hell next semester. Being an irregular student is hard enough...add this one up, and lo, IDUWANNASTADYENIMO.

The quality of an educational institution need not be only based on the academic legacy they provide...they should also open their eyes to what the students truly experience.

- a tired-and-annoyed melancholic dreamer

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Heavenly Father,

Thank you for giving me another oppurtunity to study in school.
You created the schools in order for your children to learn and discover more about the world you created, and to be able for us to understand the true value of knowledge.

Thank you for the people we meet whenever we attend classes.
Our professors, our classmates, our friends...they are the ones who make studying more fun and exciting.

As another academic season is about to start, I will once again ask for your guidance and strength.
Help me through my studies as I give my 100% in learning them by heart.
Lead me to people who can make my studies more meaningful and worthwhile.
Strengthen my will so I can handle all the tests and projects with prudence.

I will continue to strive hard in succeeding this mission you have given me.
I will do it for myself, for my future career.
I will do it for my family who work hard to send me to this institution.
And I will do it for You, in honor of Your eternal love and Mercy.

Let this semester be another semester of fun and meaningful growth...a step closer to become a productive member of your Church.

Amen.

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I...dedicate this post to a special person. I have no idea when will she have the time to read this, but I wanted this to look like a letter of sorts...

...because after all, its probably the only way I could tell her how I feel...

She was just a pretty face to me back then. I was out checking FS profiles posted on a certain site when I saw her on the list. I always have a thing on sweet smiles, and she happened to have one. While we do get into casual conversations on certain occassions, I never really thought I could get close to her.

...that was until one october afternoon, a text message appeared on my ever-so-quiet cellphone. A text message from her.

I am not supposed to make a big deal out of it. Its just a text message anyway. But before I knew it, we were exchanging text messages for 5 days. We shared some stuff about ourselves, some stories, some few jokes. It was a nice feeling...really, since I havent talked with anybody for that long, and I havent even had any textmates for the last 4 years (no kidding here). Not only that, would even log on to ym to chat.

Those 5 days are probably the happiest days of the season.

She came in such a way that it makes me hard to forget how she entered my life.

She`s a young lady who has a thing for Pocky, Rock music, and Shoujo manga. Has a sophisticated, level-headed attitude, but sure knows how to speak from the heart. She`s into reading and writing, and has good mastery (and strictness? lol) over the English Language (yes ma`am). She`s also a good confidant, able to give sound and rational advice for problems. And most of all...

...she was able to save a melancholic dreamer like me from a lonely dream. She might just be a faint light against the darkness of sadness I am currently in, but for me, that light is enough for me to continue believing that not all hope is gone...someone is out there to reach out to me. She is like a gift from God.

I guess you`re getting the message now. This is my way of saying `I like you` and `thank you` at the same time. Letters like these tend to send me in all sorts of awkward and undesirable situations, but this is where all my sincerity is laid down. This is where I am able to tell everything from the bottom of my heart.

A chatmate of mine once told me, ``do not tell a person you like her unless you are sure she`ll like you back. otherwise, you`ll risk of being busted.``

I`m used to being busted, really. Ive been busted for 3 consecutive times now. But for some reason, I cant seem to get enough. And at least for now, I know exactly what to do..

``I`ll use this feeling to help her become happy.``

Liking me back is a feeling that only she is entitled for. Of course, it would be nice if something like that would happen, but if not, then that`s okay, as long as Im able to help her in any way.

It was unfortunate for me that I am unable to help her in her current problems now. She has a battle that she still needs to conquer, and as someone who is more than willing to return her kindness, I want to help her in that battle with all I can do.

Also, I am getting the feeling that I am running out of time. The `countdown` looks like a time-vanishing spell for me, and I sure dont want anyone to just zap out without me doing something for that person. So while she`s still there...while we are still able to chat in ym...while we are still able to send text messages, I`ll make most out of the time.

Hehe, uber long post here. But this is me, really, the honest and real me.

If you are reading this, I am pretty sure you already know who I`m talking about. Yes, its you.

Thank you for entering my life. I will never forget you.

...and I will always pray for your happiness.

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A year has passed since the last major incident that happened to my life...an incident that brought much misfortune that I still carry, even up to now...

Having lost some people to be with, some reasons to be confident of, and some reasons to be happy for, I have taken the risk of joining a Fraternity (Filipino context applies here). Its not really as bad as anyone can think (as compared to taking drugs or joining a syndicate of criminals), but the decision did took alot of things for me...

...first off, my family`s trust. Despite their warnings of the possible dangers of joining such organization, I still pushed my luck and joined. The initiation process was indeed `bloody`, and when I got home, I almost killed my mom by showing an indured limb. My Dad, who was out of the country when the incident happened, expressed deep sorrow and disappointment when he got home.

My then-friends cried too, since among all, they are the ones who knew of my plans. I felt that I lost their trust to me too...

I was given a chance to prove that what I entered was something that I wont regret. I joined, not because I wanted to get hurt, but because I wanted to make myself a better person with the help of the Brotherhood. They reached out to me...offered me a place where I could be the person that I want.

...but with that comes a great responsibility...

A frat-war broke out. We werent able to attend our classes like we used to, since attending classes would mean having an encounter with our nemesis. And it spells real trouble.

The result: I had to leave the university, the people who I call `Brothers`, for good.

I transferred to a new university hoping that my life would eventually go for a good turn. It did gave me peace I could enjoy...but the experience left me too many scars to bear.

Unlike in my previous university, no one reached out to me. The situation is quite understandable, being an irregular student, but its been a year already, and Ive only got a handful of acquaintances who I rarely even see and talk with.

The transfer made my academic endeavor a mess as well. Its supposed to be my third year in college now, but due to my previous and current courses being unrelated, I seemed that I had to start over again (thus adding a good 1-2 years more schooling). The sad part is, my family encountered another financial problem, rendering my schooling a some sort of added burden.

My love life wasnt as good too. I tried to find happiness with a girl who existed on a different plane as I am (she`s not an alien. she just has an entirely different life than me). I pursued for her feelings despite of this, but my efforts turned to waste...her heart remained closed.

A person once asked me `Are you happy?`
I answered, `Everything is getting better now.`

With this blog post, I might sound like lying. Its not entirely a lie, though, as some things are really going towards better terms now. With trials and challenges comes opportunities to shape myself to be a better person. As time passes by, I discover how valuable people are to me...my family, my friends, a special person, and, of course myself.

I am experiencing a return to the darkness.
Trust, understanding, commitment, affection, love...I wanted to reach out to them much more than in any point in my life so far.

I do not now when fate will eventually lead me to the happiness I deserve. But I will remain hopeful...I will continue dreaming...I will continue to love...

...for it is in these ways can I only continue living...without regret.

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