2010-02-24 @ 2:34 AM
Frustration - "Have I forgiven fate?"
Surprised? I'm posting an out-of-the-usual-weekly post. It seems that I still haven't recovered from the incident last week. Well, what can I do, everything has been building up inside me, and I can no longer contain them within me.
For those of you who doesn't get the idea, tell you what, I am bleeding inside.
There were too many frustrations...too many failures, too many mistakes that can no longer be fixed, too many hopes that won't come into light, and too many wounds that don't seem to heal.
Everyday, I try to look for opportunities to be happy. I'll be honest: I tried looking for happiness in finding a romantic partner, hoping to find one person who can give the kind of attention I need. I have some friends around, but every time I am with them, I tend to get the feeling I will just be a bother. Family...well, I in a hot-and-cold situation with my sister...and it was recently that I discovered within myself that I have hated her for the majority of the time we've been together. My family can't be bothered to understand me...with all the preoccupations they're having. It pains me to say that even at my own abode, I felt alone...misunderstood most of the time.
I remember the project we were told to work on last midterms: a photo album. To be honest, I was reluctant to work on that project...not because I feel lazy, but because I feel troubled whenever I am remembered of my past. A person would likely to interpret it as "just an average childhood life" but for me, it was full of frustrations. Just seeing the pictures made those memories even more vivid.
Remembering all of these, I tried to make every day an escape from the dark shadow I am in. But each step away seemed to be tainted by the same pitch-black shadow...everything just seem to fail...everything just seem to have been done for nothing.
I bet you know how that feels like...when you try to be the best person, but in return, you get undeserved disrespect and indifference...you were being abused and your feelings were taken for granted. When for the whole time, you tried so hard to adjust for these people, and yet these people doesn't even care to take the time and do the same for you.
I bet you know how that feels like...when in every thing that you do, every result just seem to be a mistake. Even if you did right, you're not being accounted for it. Mistakes, however, are the only things that are noticed.
And I bet you know how that feels like...when doing things no longer seem to be reasonable or meaningful. When holding on to something will only remind you of the frustrated instances you suffered from.
I am a fatalist.
I believe everything is planned...and is happening for a reason.
But even so, the human in me can't help but be hurt...
I have hated fate.
Last Sunday, I almost had my heart in an explosive outburst. My confusion towards the things I do not understand became converted into anger...hatred...towards these people who "don't" care. It was one of the very few instances when I chose to let out the "demon" inside me, just to free me from the inner pain I'm feeling (we very well all know that sort of thing never really works, and just tends to worsen things).
What I let out, though, is just a part of the whole "frustration demon" inside me. I prefer not to let things go as far as hating all the people around me, and blaming me for all the emotional wounds I'm suffering...
...or perhaps I am not in any position to hate anyone. Perhaps I was to be blame for every misfortune I am having.
I know I have promised not to put myself in such an emo state anymore, but I guess there are things that I just want to be honest about...I want people to know what I feel...deep inside...
Don't worry Myca, Angel...I don't intend to stay like this for long. Just so you know, you girls are among my inspirations why I still have my feet on the ground. Having the two of you as my readers give me the reason to continue writing on this piece of rantboard. Please pray for me...
As for the answer to the question included in the Post title...
Fate is not something we forgive...for in the first place, it does not fault. I was contradicting myself when I said I am a fatalist, and yet felt hurt by the turn of events it has decided to happen to me.
Having realized this...perhaps this was the purpose of everything. We feel frustrations in order to wake us up from our self-pity slumber and have us walking on our path to self-actualization.
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2010-02-21 @ 10:46 PM
Week 7: Transformation
Another week has ended. Week 7 was indeed notable, for it was the time that the effect of Paradigm Shift(the promise of change I started on Week 1) finally manifested in me.
Positive changes do happened in me, particularly in the physical aspect of my personality. However, just as the week was about to end, an incident happened that made me consider changing something I used to keep deep within myself...
Before we get into that, let's begin with the lighter issues. n_n
The Second PubertyI know the title sucks ass, and sounds a little too funny for this seemingly serious blog post, but yeah, that's what I feel I am currently undergoing.
Remember the times when you first got bothered by your pimples, your hair, and/or your body features? Remember the times when you compare yourself with each and every person you come across the street/school/community, and wondered whether you look better than them or not? Remember the times when you feel your adrenaline bursting as you go to the gym/spa/clinic and get yourself an improvement for your what-have-you's?
These are the "symptoms" of what kids age 7-10 undergo before they enter the teen years...a development period known as Puberty - a period of increased self-awareness and self-concern.
Ok, I honestly can't remember if I had this when I was around that age, but one thing that's got me thinking is that I feel like I'm...going through that stage...right now!
I'm in a gym rampage: registering for a monthly membership, taking diet and protein pills, visiting everyday for 2 hours, wearing an sweat-jacket (I dunno what to call that sweat-producing jacket), and watching my meals as if there will be none for the next day.
At the same time, I've been researching on ways on how to improve my face. I have observed that my face has been aging really fast, probably due to stress, unhealthy diet, lack of sleep, and generally lack of maintenance and care as well.
Yep. The dude's pretty determined to look better in the next few months. I'm doing everything to achieve it. Gotta love myself first before I get to find someone to love. n_n
Evil Metamorphosis(Warning: the following story may appear like an immature, shitty, and totally unreasonable selfish and childish piece of rant. Please bear with it.)
One thing I hate about malls: I always see things that I can't buy.
I know its weird, because people aren't really supposed to buy everything in the mall, but for me, it creates a sense of frustration...a kind of feeling that it may be better not to see things if I'm not cut out to have them.
Patience is a virtue. Waiting "usually" pays off. Good deeds get rewarded, and if you're doing especially good, you ought to be somehow..."rewarded".
Let's connect the dots, shall we?
There were a number of things that I wanted to buy. I won't mention them, but I can guarantee that these don't cost too much. Considering the financial condition of our family, we're not as bad as before, but we still can't buy things easily. Waiting is usually the only thing we can do.
My mom suddenly invited me and my sister to go to Mall of Asia. I knew it would be a bad idea for myself...I hate long strolls on places where I cannot take anything home. And I wouldn't call it bonding since they seemed to be the only ones who enjoy themselves.
Since it was an ambush invitation, I wasn't able to prepare for it. Budget's at a low since I'm spending most of my allowance on gym visits. At the back of my mind though, I thought it may be a good chance to ask Mom for something. After all, it is quite unusual for Mom to ask us out, so I thought she must have a pretty good reason for bringing us along.
I was wrong. It was just like any other annoying mall walks. I was just being dragged from one place to another while they keep themselves busy with their thing. I can't go on a separate way, since doing will it only bother them.
And it was another usual mall walk when all that I ask for got snubbed at.
And...I don't understand why my sister is getting a new set of shoes, while I don't have any for my PE.
To make things worse, I'm not even allowed to say a word about what I feel, nor even make an expression about it. These people take things quite literally...shallow minded...and can't take things on a deeper context.
On a subsequent event, I was even called an "inggitero" for wanting my single request to be granted. That person did not have the fuggin idea that the "thing" we are about to buy in a few weeks is a result of a sacrifice I made only for us to use our resources efficiently.
I wouldn't want to make things worse for these people. I'm writing this one out because I want the people who care...who REALLY care for me to know what I really feel. I've had enough frustrations in my life, and I want to see less of it as much as I can. I want people to see me as a person who has his own needs...who works for it with patience and diligence, and who do not mean to cause trouble by being selfish.
Sadly, even the people who are closer to me don't see...or even bother to see, this part of me. They interpret my frownings as an act of immaturity and lack of understanding. (I know. It's quite immature to act like such whenever you don't get something, but I'm not a liar, so screw my face). They don't even appreciate that I wait patiently and do good things to be deserved of some consideration or heeding.
Heh...doing good things doesn't do me any good. I mean, I've been "good" the whole time, but I'm still wondering why I'm not happy with my life. With so many frustrations, I dunno whether being good is still worth it.
My personal assessment: Yes, I am immature. I am mature enough to admit it. If wishing for myself to be heard and respected is immature, then be my guest and spell that word out in my face. I'm sick of being patient with issues where I'm usually not heard...and I'm sick of seeing the other side getting more while I am getting less.
Pride and Envy, huh?
Thankfully, there were a few caring people last night who made me feel a little better: one is a dude of mine who has a thing for helping friends, and the other, a woman who offered a listening ear and a tall glass of [virtual] strawberry ...something...drink. I appreciate them much, but I doubt they knew any better. Still, I'm quite thankful that there are still people around me who bother to reach out to me from the abyss I'm in.
Don't worry people. I'm still me. I'll just try to forget all that happened last night and go on with my merry life. I have to keep my energy levels high for me to yield positive results on my health improvement program. n_n
Till then! n_n
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2010-02-18 @ 2:43 AM
Week 6: Chained from the Past
Failbren. Writing a blog post about Week 6 only today (Thursday, Week 7). Sorry for all those who waited patiently...well...as if there's any. lol
Anyway. Week 6 included the most anticipated Valentine's Day...ok, I believe most people, if not everyone, anticipated it, but not me. You can say that I'm one of those who celebrated Single Awareness Day instead, but there's more reason to it than just being reminded of my "lovelessness".
It was the time of the year when the chains from my past appear before me like a looming shadow, crawling slowly.
First Love, First Heartbreak. Remembering Valentines Day 2005.She was the most charming girl in the class.
Cheerful, friendly, smart, beautiful.
It was not surprising to know that she has a lot of admirers back then. What fascinated me was the fact that I myself fell under her spell.
She was just a mere "friend" before I realized I was falling for her. Her circle of friends often spend lunch breaks together with mine, and she herself is quite fond of my closest buds too. Coming across her everyday was nearly unavoidable. Yes...having a glimpse of that sweet smile has always been something that completes my day.
It took me a year to come to a realization that what I feel wasn't ordinary admiration. My heart beats like a drum whenever she comes close. I always find myself trying to take sight of her almost every minute. I would try to walk with her to the gates of the school after the classes end. I would give her a treat, whenever I get the chance.
I honestly believed myself that I what I was feeling back then was true love...it was different with the other girls I had a crush on.
I waited patiently for the right time to confess my feelings for her. Given the dreamer that was in me, I specifically chose Valentine's Day as my D-Day...quite timely I suppose, as it happened to coincide with my school's Foundation Day. Love booths will be around, and there will be shops with treats I can give to her.
The day arrived. I was excited...ecstatic about it even. "True Love succeeds", that's what I told myself. I had everything prepared: gifts to give, the karaoke booth with my friends as accomplices, my confession script, and of course, a letter...to address her all that I feel for her.
When the right moment came, I commenced the grand plan. I ordered a song be played to be dedicated to her. I had my friends to set her up on a certain place in the school's garden and prepared the gifts for her. I was there...waiting for her to arrive.
"Bren...ano..."
"Oo...alam ko mejo nakakashock nga to, pero yeah...this is what I feel for you..."
"Di ko alam sasabihin ko...nakakabigla eh..."
"Di rin naman kita minamadali. Maghihintay naman ako. Pero siyempre, I hope that you'll think about...giving me a chance..."
It ended almost awkwardly. She had my gifts with her, but after that, silence and cold wind seemed to pass between us. I believed she felt uneasy...hearing such words from a quiet guy who used to just talk about unworldly stuff such as Digital Monsters, Fantasy RPGs and anime. She always treated me as a friend...a good friend...and knowing that I am doing efforts to step over the boundaries of that friendship might have confused her.
Monday came. She greeted me by the door first thing in the morning. She was her usual self...almost seeming as if nothing happened on that day. She handed me a letter...a reply to what I gave her.
"I want you to read it very carefully. I...don't want to lose what we have now..."
I wasn't able to utter a single word by then. But my heart was beating faster than ever. I'm already getting the message she wants to convey when she said she "doesn't want to lose what we have now..."
And the day appeared to be just a normal day. Yes...she maintained her initial disposition all throughout the day.
When I got home, I rushed to the bedroom to read the letter. Ok, I won't be posting the whole message, but I will instead write the words that shook me...the words that broke my heart...
"You are a good person, Bren. You're smart, you're kind.
Unfortunately, I am not the person who can give you what you wish. I do not deserve to love a good person such as you.
...and, to tell you the truth, there's a guy I am already offering my heart to.
I'm sorry...I hope this won't bring an end to our friendship. I can only be a good friend for you."
That's what happened...on the first Valentine's day that I decided to fall in love.
That day became the birthday of the mad lover inside me...a man who earnestly pursued for the feeling of a girl who will never ever fall for him.
That day was the start of a dreamer's search for true love...a day when he discovered that unconditional love was something that was worth hoping for...
It took me the remaining High School years to try and pursue her. It was a roller coaster ride...we became closer, but got separated by my annoying persistence. I even followed her to college, grabbing the opportunity to be with her.
It's 2010 already. We no longer see each other. I know study at another university far away from her. It goes without saying that I no longer have any feelings for her...
...but perhaps it was the memory of that Valentine's day...that makes me remember how love is both a sweet and a painful thing.
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2010-02-07 @ 1:31 AM
Week 5: Mosaic Fragments
My life has been slowly shattering into pieces.
Week 5 was one salad of events. Ups and downs, lefts and rights, news and olds, yeah...pretty much everything.
But no matter how roller-coaster-ish the ride was last week, at the end of it, I'll still be looking at the mirror and reflect.
The Aftermath (of the fugging Lasallian Week)Review: Lasallian week was SOOO disappointing. Randomly suspended classes, professors and students on disappearing acts, and uncool program schedules sending people from one side of the school premises' perimeter to the other.
This week: Surprise quizzes. Surprise assignments. Surprise projects. Surprise everything.
Me not amused. ~_~
I was really shocked as to how my week went. It really sounded as if I was absent for the whole week, while I only missed one (or zero) meeting.
Ok, I admit. I was at fault. I shouldn't have allowed the boring week to get into me too much. Besides, the week was supposed to be prep week for the midterms.
I know its quite a shame. I remember I promised myself to never get too cocky with my acads again, but here I am, picking up the "acad" pieces.
Sorry if I disappointed anyone. Yeah, sorry "me".
Girls and NumbersWould you believe? Personally, I wouldn't...but it happened. I was surprised myself.
Like any average college dudes, I have a lot of crushes at school. Considering my situation as an irregular student, being in different classes with different sets of faces isn't new.
I dunno what got over me, but for a sudden moment, I suddenly felt asking for my crushes' (yep, its not a typo. CRUSHES') numbers. Well, I guess to anyone, a guy asking for a classmate's number is normal, but that isn't something I usually do.
3 Classes. 3 Crushes. 3 Numbers. I cannot believe it all happened.
Ok, I know you're laughing..."Bren is such a trivial guy. lol"
But this is one large step for me. Somehow, I feel proud of myself for being able to do such "trivial move". I could already feel the confidence in my nerves, in my blood, and in my skin...
...but is it really confidence...or another mask I have to wear to hide my shadow-stained ego?
(And nope. I'm not 3-timing girls. It is SO against my rules. I've only texted one of them. haha. phailbren)
The Money-Body DilemmaOne of my focus this year is to concentrate on taking care and improving my body. I've started with my hair (which was slowly turning into my dream hair by the minute), and on recent weeks, I've begun doing workouts too. And I'm starting to take EXTRA care of my face as well.
It was then that I realized that my weekly savings are becoming less. Gym sessions cost me 50php a week, and I visit twice. Skin care products, while I only buy once a month, are still has a considerable share of expenses.
It wouldn't have been better if these are the only ones I need to commit my money into. I'm a student, who needs to eat and travel in order to get by the day. And some projects and assignments inevitably need some few bucks too.
170php (daily allowance) - 60php (travel expenses) - 20 (food) = 90php per day
I know its more than enough for an ordinary student. But I seriously want to improve my looks so much that I'm already considering on going to the gym daily and spend some money on more effective body care products.
And I wouldn't want to be a burden to my parents.
Heh...quite a dilemma here. I sure hope the 500php package monthly gym usage will be quite worth it. It'll be my only saving grace...to pick up the pieces of my youth...
Long post again huh? I bet you guys missed it. n_n
Midterms next week. Please pray for me and wish me luck.
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