2009-11-14 @ 8:55 PM
Status Report: A Return to the Abyss
A year has passed since the last major incident that happened to my life...an incident that brought much misfortune that I still carry, even up to now...
Having lost some people to be with, some reasons to be confident of, and some reasons to be happy for, I have taken the risk of joining a Fraternity (Filipino context applies here). Its not really as bad as anyone can think (as compared to taking drugs or joining a syndicate of criminals), but the decision did took alot of things for me...
...first off, my family`s trust. Despite their warnings of the possible dangers of joining such organization, I still pushed my luck and joined. The initiation process was indeed `bloody`, and when I got home, I almost killed my mom by showing an indured limb. My Dad, who was out of the country when the incident happened, expressed deep sorrow and disappointment when he got home.
My then-friends cried too, since among all, they are the ones who knew of my plans. I felt that I lost their trust to me too...
I was given a chance to prove that what I entered was something that I wont regret. I joined, not because I wanted to get hurt, but because I wanted to make myself a better person with the help of the Brotherhood. They reached out to me...offered me a place where I could be the person that I want.
...but with that comes a great responsibility...
A frat-war broke out. We werent able to attend our classes like we used to, since attending classes would mean having an encounter with our nemesis. And it spells real trouble.
The result: I had to leave the university, the people who I call `Brothers`, for good.
I transferred to a new university hoping that my life would eventually go for a good turn. It did gave me peace I could enjoy...but the experience left me too many scars to bear.
Unlike in my previous university, no one reached out to me. The situation is quite understandable, being an irregular student, but its been a year already, and Ive only got a handful of acquaintances who I rarely even see and talk with.
The transfer made my academic endeavor a mess as well. Its supposed to be my third year in college now, but due to my previous and current courses being unrelated, I seemed that I had to start over again (thus adding a good 1-2 years more schooling). The sad part is, my family encountered another financial problem, rendering my schooling a some sort of added burden.
My love life wasnt as good too. I tried to find happiness with a girl who existed on a different plane as I am (she`s not an alien. she just has an entirely different life than me). I pursued for her feelings despite of this, but my efforts turned to waste...her heart remained closed.
A person once asked me `Are you happy?`
I answered, `Everything is getting better now.`
With this blog post, I might sound like lying. Its not entirely a lie, though, as some things are really going towards better terms now. With trials and challenges comes opportunities to shape myself to be a better person. As time passes by, I discover how valuable people are to me...my family, my friends, a special person, and, of course myself.
I am experiencing a return to the darkness.
Trust, understanding, commitment, affection, love...I wanted to reach out to them much more than in any point in my life so far.
I do not now when fate will eventually lead me to the happiness I deserve. But I will remain hopeful...I will continue dreaming...I will continue to love...
...for it is in these ways can I only continue living...without regret.
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