2010-02-24 @ 2:34 AM
Frustration - "Have I forgiven fate?"
Surprised? I'm posting an out-of-the-usual-weekly post. It seems that I still haven't recovered from the incident last week. Well, what can I do, everything has been building up inside me, and I can no longer contain them within me.
For those of you who doesn't get the idea, tell you what, I am bleeding inside.
There were too many frustrations...too many failures, too many mistakes that can no longer be fixed, too many hopes that won't come into light, and too many wounds that don't seem to heal.
Everyday, I try to look for opportunities to be happy. I'll be honest: I tried looking for happiness in finding a romantic partner, hoping to find one person who can give the kind of attention I need. I have some friends around, but every time I am with them, I tend to get the feeling I will just be a bother. Family...well, I in a hot-and-cold situation with my sister...and it was recently that I discovered within myself that I have hated her for the majority of the time we've been together. My family can't be bothered to understand me...with all the preoccupations they're having. It pains me to say that even at my own abode, I felt alone...misunderstood most of the time.
I remember the project we were told to work on last midterms: a photo album. To be honest, I was reluctant to work on that project...not because I feel lazy, but because I feel troubled whenever I am remembered of my past. A person would likely to interpret it as "just an average childhood life" but for me, it was full of frustrations. Just seeing the pictures made those memories even more vivid.
Remembering all of these, I tried to make every day an escape from the dark shadow I am in. But each step away seemed to be tainted by the same pitch-black shadow...everything just seem to fail...everything just seem to have been done for nothing.
I bet you know how that feels like...when you try to be the best person, but in return, you get undeserved disrespect and indifference...you were being abused and your feelings were taken for granted. When for the whole time, you tried so hard to adjust for these people, and yet these people doesn't even care to take the time and do the same for you.
I bet you know how that feels like...when in every thing that you do, every result just seem to be a mistake. Even if you did right, you're not being accounted for it. Mistakes, however, are the only things that are noticed.
And I bet you know how that feels like...when doing things no longer seem to be reasonable or meaningful. When holding on to something will only remind you of the frustrated instances you suffered from.
I am a fatalist.
I believe everything is planned...and is happening for a reason.
But even so, the human in me can't help but be hurt...
I have hated fate.
Last Sunday, I almost had my heart in an explosive outburst. My confusion towards the things I do not understand became converted into anger...hatred...towards these people who "don't" care. It was one of the very few instances when I chose to let out the "demon" inside me, just to free me from the inner pain I'm feeling (we very well all know that sort of thing never really works, and just tends to worsen things).
What I let out, though, is just a part of the whole "frustration demon" inside me. I prefer not to let things go as far as hating all the people around me, and blaming me for all the emotional wounds I'm suffering...
...or perhaps I am not in any position to hate anyone. Perhaps I was to be blame for every misfortune I am having.
I know I have promised not to put myself in such an emo state anymore, but I guess there are things that I just want to be honest about...I want people to know what I feel...deep inside...
Don't worry Myca, Angel...I don't intend to stay like this for long. Just so you know, you girls are among my inspirations why I still have my feet on the ground. Having the two of you as my readers give me the reason to continue writing on this piece of rantboard. Please pray for me...
As for the answer to the question included in the Post title...
Fate is not something we forgive...for in the first place, it does not fault. I was contradicting myself when I said I am a fatalist, and yet felt hurt by the turn of events it has decided to happen to me.
Having realized this...perhaps this was the purpose of everything. We feel frustrations in order to wake us up from our self-pity slumber and have us walking on our path to self-actualization.
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