2010-02-18 @ 2:43 AM
Week 6: Chained from the Past
Failbren. Writing a blog post about Week 6 only today (Thursday, Week 7). Sorry for all those who waited patiently...well...as if there's any. lol
Anyway. Week 6 included the most anticipated Valentine's Day...ok, I believe most people, if not everyone, anticipated it, but not me. You can say that I'm one of those who celebrated Single Awareness Day instead, but there's more reason to it than just being reminded of my "lovelessness".
It was the time of the year when the chains from my past appear before me like a looming shadow, crawling slowly.
First Love, First Heartbreak. Remembering Valentines Day 2005.She was the most charming girl in the class.
Cheerful, friendly, smart, beautiful.
It was not surprising to know that she has a lot of admirers back then. What fascinated me was the fact that I myself fell under her spell.
She was just a mere "friend" before I realized I was falling for her. Her circle of friends often spend lunch breaks together with mine, and she herself is quite fond of my closest buds too. Coming across her everyday was nearly unavoidable. Yes...having a glimpse of that sweet smile has always been something that completes my day.
It took me a year to come to a realization that what I feel wasn't ordinary admiration. My heart beats like a drum whenever she comes close. I always find myself trying to take sight of her almost every minute. I would try to walk with her to the gates of the school after the classes end. I would give her a treat, whenever I get the chance.
I honestly believed myself that I what I was feeling back then was true love...it was different with the other girls I had a crush on.
I waited patiently for the right time to confess my feelings for her. Given the dreamer that was in me, I specifically chose Valentine's Day as my D-Day...quite timely I suppose, as it happened to coincide with my school's Foundation Day. Love booths will be around, and there will be shops with treats I can give to her.
The day arrived. I was excited...ecstatic about it even. "True Love succeeds", that's what I told myself. I had everything prepared: gifts to give, the karaoke booth with my friends as accomplices, my confession script, and of course, a letter...to address her all that I feel for her.
When the right moment came, I commenced the grand plan. I ordered a song be played to be dedicated to her. I had my friends to set her up on a certain place in the school's garden and prepared the gifts for her. I was there...waiting for her to arrive.
"Bren...ano..."
"Oo...alam ko mejo nakakashock nga to, pero yeah...this is what I feel for you..."
"Di ko alam sasabihin ko...nakakabigla eh..."
"Di rin naman kita minamadali. Maghihintay naman ako. Pero siyempre, I hope that you'll think about...giving me a chance..."
It ended almost awkwardly. She had my gifts with her, but after that, silence and cold wind seemed to pass between us. I believed she felt uneasy...hearing such words from a quiet guy who used to just talk about unworldly stuff such as Digital Monsters, Fantasy RPGs and anime. She always treated me as a friend...a good friend...and knowing that I am doing efforts to step over the boundaries of that friendship might have confused her.
Monday came. She greeted me by the door first thing in the morning. She was her usual self...almost seeming as if nothing happened on that day. She handed me a letter...a reply to what I gave her.
"I want you to read it very carefully. I...don't want to lose what we have now..."
I wasn't able to utter a single word by then. But my heart was beating faster than ever. I'm already getting the message she wants to convey when she said she "doesn't want to lose what we have now..."
And the day appeared to be just a normal day. Yes...she maintained her initial disposition all throughout the day.
When I got home, I rushed to the bedroom to read the letter. Ok, I won't be posting the whole message, but I will instead write the words that shook me...the words that broke my heart...
"You are a good person, Bren. You're smart, you're kind.
Unfortunately, I am not the person who can give you what you wish. I do not deserve to love a good person such as you.
...and, to tell you the truth, there's a guy I am already offering my heart to.
I'm sorry...I hope this won't bring an end to our friendship. I can only be a good friend for you."
That's what happened...on the first Valentine's day that I decided to fall in love.
That day became the birthday of the mad lover inside me...a man who earnestly pursued for the feeling of a girl who will never ever fall for him.
That day was the start of a dreamer's search for true love...a day when he discovered that unconditional love was something that was worth hoping for...
It took me the remaining High School years to try and pursue her. It was a roller coaster ride...we became closer, but got separated by my annoying persistence. I even followed her to college, grabbing the opportunity to be with her.
It's 2010 already. We no longer see each other. I know study at another university far away from her. It goes without saying that I no longer have any feelings for her...
...but perhaps it was the memory of that Valentine's day...that makes me remember how love is both a sweet and a painful thing.
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