2010-02-21 @ 10:46 PM
Week 7: Transformation
Another week has ended. Week 7 was indeed notable, for it was the time that the effect of Paradigm Shift(the promise of change I started on Week 1) finally manifested in me.
Positive changes do happened in me, particularly in the physical aspect of my personality. However, just as the week was about to end, an incident happened that made me consider changing something I used to keep deep within myself...
Before we get into that, let's begin with the lighter issues. n_n
The Second PubertyI know the title sucks ass, and sounds a little too funny for this seemingly serious blog post, but yeah, that's what I feel I am currently undergoing.
Remember the times when you first got bothered by your pimples, your hair, and/or your body features? Remember the times when you compare yourself with each and every person you come across the street/school/community, and wondered whether you look better than them or not? Remember the times when you feel your adrenaline bursting as you go to the gym/spa/clinic and get yourself an improvement for your what-have-you's?
These are the "symptoms" of what kids age 7-10 undergo before they enter the teen years...a development period known as Puberty - a period of increased self-awareness and self-concern.
Ok, I honestly can't remember if I had this when I was around that age, but one thing that's got me thinking is that I feel like I'm...going through that stage...right now!
I'm in a gym rampage: registering for a monthly membership, taking diet and protein pills, visiting everyday for 2 hours, wearing an sweat-jacket (I dunno what to call that sweat-producing jacket), and watching my meals as if there will be none for the next day.
At the same time, I've been researching on ways on how to improve my face. I have observed that my face has been aging really fast, probably due to stress, unhealthy diet, lack of sleep, and generally lack of maintenance and care as well.
Yep. The dude's pretty determined to look better in the next few months. I'm doing everything to achieve it. Gotta love myself first before I get to find someone to love. n_n
Evil Metamorphosis(Warning: the following story may appear like an immature, shitty, and totally unreasonable selfish and childish piece of rant. Please bear with it.)
One thing I hate about malls: I always see things that I can't buy.
I know its weird, because people aren't really supposed to buy everything in the mall, but for me, it creates a sense of frustration...a kind of feeling that it may be better not to see things if I'm not cut out to have them.
Patience is a virtue. Waiting "usually" pays off. Good deeds get rewarded, and if you're doing especially good, you ought to be somehow..."rewarded".
Let's connect the dots, shall we?
There were a number of things that I wanted to buy. I won't mention them, but I can guarantee that these don't cost too much. Considering the financial condition of our family, we're not as bad as before, but we still can't buy things easily. Waiting is usually the only thing we can do.
My mom suddenly invited me and my sister to go to Mall of Asia. I knew it would be a bad idea for myself...I hate long strolls on places where I cannot take anything home. And I wouldn't call it bonding since they seemed to be the only ones who enjoy themselves.
Since it was an ambush invitation, I wasn't able to prepare for it. Budget's at a low since I'm spending most of my allowance on gym visits. At the back of my mind though, I thought it may be a good chance to ask Mom for something. After all, it is quite unusual for Mom to ask us out, so I thought she must have a pretty good reason for bringing us along.
I was wrong. It was just like any other annoying mall walks. I was just being dragged from one place to another while they keep themselves busy with their thing. I can't go on a separate way, since doing will it only bother them.
And it was another usual mall walk when all that I ask for got snubbed at.
And...I don't understand why my sister is getting a new set of shoes, while I don't have any for my PE.
To make things worse, I'm not even allowed to say a word about what I feel, nor even make an expression about it. These people take things quite literally...shallow minded...and can't take things on a deeper context.
On a subsequent event, I was even called an "inggitero" for wanting my single request to be granted. That person did not have the fuggin idea that the "thing" we are about to buy in a few weeks is a result of a sacrifice I made only for us to use our resources efficiently.
I wouldn't want to make things worse for these people. I'm writing this one out because I want the people who care...who REALLY care for me to know what I really feel. I've had enough frustrations in my life, and I want to see less of it as much as I can. I want people to see me as a person who has his own needs...who works for it with patience and diligence, and who do not mean to cause trouble by being selfish.
Sadly, even the people who are closer to me don't see...or even bother to see, this part of me. They interpret my frownings as an act of immaturity and lack of understanding. (I know. It's quite immature to act like such whenever you don't get something, but I'm not a liar, so screw my face). They don't even appreciate that I wait patiently and do good things to be deserved of some consideration or heeding.
Heh...doing good things doesn't do me any good. I mean, I've been "good" the whole time, but I'm still wondering why I'm not happy with my life. With so many frustrations, I dunno whether being good is still worth it.
My personal assessment: Yes, I am immature. I am mature enough to admit it. If wishing for myself to be heard and respected is immature, then be my guest and spell that word out in my face. I'm sick of being patient with issues where I'm usually not heard...and I'm sick of seeing the other side getting more while I am getting less.
Pride and Envy, huh?
Thankfully, there were a few caring people last night who made me feel a little better: one is a dude of mine who has a thing for helping friends, and the other, a woman who offered a listening ear and a tall glass of [virtual] strawberry ...something...drink. I appreciate them much, but I doubt they knew any better. Still, I'm quite thankful that there are still people around me who bother to reach out to me from the abyss I'm in.
Don't worry people. I'm still me. I'll just try to forget all that happened last night and go on with my merry life. I have to keep my energy levels high for me to yield positive results on my health improvement program. n_n
Till then! n_n
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